It always kind of surprises me when people actually say things like that. I will admit that most of people that I talk to on a regular basis fit firmly into the progressive, feminist school of thought, where it's understood that a woman's appearance is not a reflection of her character, and that enjoying consensual sex is not a moral failing. Those beliefs are so much a part of my world view that to hear anything else seems ludicrous. My instinctive reaction is to assume that they must be joking; people don't seriously believe this stuff, do they?
While I fully support every woman's right to be comfortable in what she's wearing, whether it's a pair of shorts and a crop top or a burqa, I hate the idea of modesty. Modesty, as a physical concept, is applied almost exclusively to women. Either their sexy, sinful bodies encourage men to lust after them and must be covered up, or their bodies must be covered up because... um, *mumble mumble* self respect. Even when it's not couched in terms of a woman's responsibility for a man's response to her, it still intrinsically links a woman's worth to the amount of skin that she shows. The idea that a woman who respects herself can dress any way that makes her feel good isn't even entertained.
Slut.
The issue that I have with this "compliment" is the same one that I have with the other one - I don't want other people to project their assumptions onto my body. I don't dress the way that I dress (relatively covered up, most of the time) because I feel the need to hide my body away, but because it's comfortable for me. I'm not wearing my full-skirted, 1950s dress in opposition to another woman's bodycon mini. The only statement that I'm making is "I like this."
What I find really damaging about this attitude is that it comes, most often, from other women, and it's depressing how often it crops up. Even when it's not explicitly stated that way, seeing vintage loving women say that they hate mini skirts or booty shorts or other kinds of revealing clothing has the tacit message that covering up is better, and that they are better because that's what they do. It's a wonderful thing to take pride in yourself and in your appearance, but you don't have to look down on other people to do it.
The term "rape culture" has gained a lot of traction in the past few years, and I see this as an aspect of it. Women police other women's sexuality, and their perceived expression of it, because it makes them feel safe. Modesty and its enforcement is protection from the ills of the world. If you're good, if you cover up, if your sexuality is kept under wraps, then you can't be raped or abused. That's why you see the kind of vicious slut-shaming that is so distressingly common after something like Steubenville - the victims have to be made into the kind of girls who are "asking for it." If they're not, then other women have to face the scary fact that it could happen to any one of them.
I don't consider modesty a virtue. A virtue is something that improves the world - kindness, patience, generosity, compassion. It has nothing to do with how you look or what you wear.
Amen!
ReplyDeleteThis. All of this. I can't stand when people judge one another (maybe I should stay off the internet eh?). Women should be able to get dressed for themselves and wear clothing for themselves. I say women should just wear whatever the heck they want to wear! Wear what makes you feel comfortable and happy and pretty and good about yourself! I can't even get started on slut-shaming. I'll go on for paragraphs and paragraphs.
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Thank you! It's so frustrating to me that people feel justified in judging others for things that don't affect them in any way, like their relationship choices or what they eat or what they put on their bodies. I'm very much a live and let live kind of person when it comes to most things, so it's hard for me to understand.
DeleteYes. Complete and total yes across the freakin' board. The last line of this excellent post should be printed out as a poster and placed on the walls of every classroom the world over - we can't teach children, of both sexes, that message soon enough in life.
ReplyDelete♥ Jessica
Gosh, I'm nodding my head vigorously as I read this, and don't even think it's necessarily a progressive view that women can enjoy consensual sex and their appearance does not reflect character, surely that's one that should be deeply imbedded in society by now, this idea's been around a while now! Some places take a while to catch up perhaps. And of course there are different cultures, where modesty is actually a legal requirement!
ReplyDeleteThe one line that I would draw here is for younger women, perhaps in their teens, who perhaps don't have the confidence and ability to deal with people's various reactions to what they wear, and could put themselves at risk by wearing certain outfits if their emotional and mental development hasn't quite caught up with their physical. I hope that makes sense, I'm not disagreeing at all with what you say, but just think that young women can be vulnerable sometimes and there will be individual circumstances.
Super post dear, P x
I feel like a lot of time people pay lip service to the idea that women can wear whatever they want while still seeing them as trashy or slutty if they show too much skin. It takes a lot to change those underlying attitudes, and I don't think there's any place in the world where there's not some notion that a woman in tight or revealing clothes is looking for sex (which certainly might be true sometimes, but sometimes it's just because it's hot out, or that's what's most comfortable, or that's just what the woman feels good in). What you said about asking young girls to cover up is part and parcel of that idea - there shouldn't be risk associated with wearing certain clothes, but there is, and it's easier to ask them to wear something else than to change society's perception. It's unfortunate, but you do have a point.
Delete"The only statement that I'm making is 'I like this.'" Right on! This is such a wise post.
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