You know that feeling when you LOVE the outfit that you're wearing, and you hair is cooperating for once, and you know your makeup is really on point, and you just feel good? You're walking down the street - maybe you're just going to work, or heading home from a movie, or just want to go for a walk because it's a nice summer day and that's something people do - when you feel the hair on the back of your neck raise. You look around, and there's a guy, standing there, staring at you. You quickly look away (don't make eye contact, it only encourages them), square your shoulders, and speed up a little bit as you walk past. And then you hear it. "Nice ass, baby." "Hey. Hey you. Girl." Or just a hissing between their teeth, or a whistle. Suddenly, that good mood is just gone.
I've seen this photo a few times, and usually people seem to be laughing about it - "look at those virile men reacting to a beautiful women on the street!" All I can see when I look at it, though, is the discomfort on her face.
It can be hard to explain why it makes me feel so bad. I've told stories about street harassment to people who will laugh and tell me that I should be flattered, it means they think I'm hot; or tell me just to ignore it, guys don't mean anything by it; or shrug and say, "that sucks," their lack comprehension written on their faces.
What I hate is that it makes me feel shame. Yes, I like to dress up and look nice, and while that's definitely a thing that I do for myself, I also love a sincere compliment. This kind of harassment, though, makes me feel like I should not be wearing what I'm wearing, that I shouldn't be where I am. It makes me feel like I've done something wrong just by existing in public.
I have to admit, I don't react very well to this, largely because it makes me really fucking angry. Like, angry in the way where I know that I have had a heated argument with someone, but I can't remember exactly what I've said because it's all been lost in the haze of rage. I've definitely barked like a dog at a guy (because that is what he sounded like to me), confronted someone by asking if they think I'm a hooker (not because I have any issue with sex workers, but because they are, amongst all women, the only ones you might reliably assume would be interested in a proposition, made on the street, to engage in oral sex), and just straight up told more than one guy to stop talking to me, with varying levels of success.
At least, that's the way I might react when I feel safe - if I'm in a very public place where I can reasonably assume even the biggest asshole will not react with violence. If I'm somewhere isolated, or close enough to my home that I might be followed, I inevitably stare at the ground, pretend I've gone deaf, and walk, stiff-legged, as fast as I can to wherever I'm heading. Because the other thing that people don't get sometimes is the fear. Maybe that guy on the corner doesn't mean anything with his creepy stares and lewd comments, or maybe he's the guy that's going to hit you if you tell him off. Or maybe he's the guy that's going to follow you until you're isolated and drag you into an alley and rape you, and worrying about that kind of shit is why some women sound like paranoid basket cases to people who don't understand what it's like.
While I wouldn't say that I experience more cat-calling and street harassment while wearing vintage, it's definitely got a different tenor. Before I'd get the wolf-whistle/hey baby kind of thing; now, guys feel like they should come up and talk to me. Well, not me, exactly; my body, my clothes, my tattoos. I don't have any particular value as a person in the interaction, just my seamed stockings ("Are you wearing a garter belt and everything?" Seriously, what fucking business is my underwear to you?) or the cleavage that my "Nice dress!" is showing, or the red lipstick that a guy just can't resist telling me he loves. They stand too close, make too much eye contact, have a creepy way of talking that makes it clear that I have unwillingly been incorporated into the fetish video running through their brains.
On Saturday, I went and saw a movie, and on my way to the theater this guy, who was standing by a building down the street, went, "ooh, that's nice." I pretended I didn't hear and kept walking, but he started following me, yelling "You! Hey, you! You with the bike!" I had to lock up my bike, so I stopped and rounded on him. "What? What do you want?" "Your tattoo, the bird, what does it mean?" "It means none of your business. Stop talking to me." "Why you gotta be such a bitch about it? I don't have to talk to rude bitches." And then he finally walked off, still talking to himself about bitches and rude women.
"Hey! Hey, you! You acting like an asshole! Fuck off."
When I was telling this story to my boyfriend, even to my own ears this sounded trivial. It seemed stupid that I was so worked up over a 60 second exchange from some random dude on the street, but that fact is that this happens all the damn time, and it wears on you, and it makes you feel helpless.
I've seen some great videos of women confronting their harassers, and although it's satisfying to watch, it doesn't really feel like it changes anything. Most of the time, they don't seem to realize that they've done anything wrong, that women are not on display for their pleasure, and that women do not owe them their time or conversation.
I would love to hear stories from other women about how they've dealt with street harassment, and what we might be able to do to change it.
Organizations to know:
Hollaback
Stop Street Harassment
Cards Against Harassment
I love in a very rural area, so street harassment isn't a thing as much simply because I'm usually driving. However workplace and even in stores is a thing here. I always mention my husband (you don't have to have one to mention him) and having kids with me cuts down on it considerably, not to mention that I'm nine months pregnant right now which oddly enough still doesn't detract some people.
ReplyDeleteMy experience is that if your father respects his wife and women in general (I.e. He's not a sleazy porn fiend), then their sons will act accordingly. I do think the pornification of much media and our culture in general contributes to the idea that women, all women, are merely sex objects, so mamas keep your boys off the porno habit.
I have also found that it's often supported in the school systems when girls are either afraid to say anything about comments or worse made by male classmates because nothing happens to the boys when she does say something, or you get the dreaded, "boys will be boys" line.
Looking back at them cross eyed helps, too. It really comes down to us as a society to quit portraying women as merely sexy coquettes for dirty minds to exploit.
While I'm not above throwing out the "I have a boyfriend," it's so unfortunate that men are more respectful of the fact that they might be stepping on another man's toes than of the woman standing in front of them. You're absolutely right that it starts with teaching young men to respect women (which is important for a lot of things), although I think the hard part with that is making sure that the grown men in their lives do the same.
DeleteI feel like I don't get that here anymore, and I don't know whether it is because I am not walking about in public much, or because I am not in the city anymore. I know when I was at university and living in Sydney (and catching public transport - another major factor), I had a lot of weirdos talk to me, and it was often creepy.
ReplyDeleteAs you say, it is the fear. I feel that without the fear, it wouldn't bother be as much. It would just be pretty pathetic, right? Annoying and rude, but pathetic. But the fact that there could be real danger behind this person's comments highlights how ridiculous it is that women have to put up with it.
I agree with Sarah's comment above about the values of the family. I certainly see a lot of this kind of attitude from high school boys. I had to report a student of mine for sexual harassment (of me), and when I was a student teacher I had a boy call out "Hey miss, what's your number?". Needless to say, the harassment of female students is much more rife. I feel that we always took these issues seriously, but on the other hand, sometimes they were very hard to deal with.
It's great that your school took it seriously, because a lot of places don't. I don't like zero tolerance approaches to that kind of thing because there should always be room for nuance, but taking harassment seriously in high school might help cut down on things like sexual assault in college. Respect, and disrespect, are learned habits.
DeleteSince moving to a nice and fairly middle-classed city in the UK, I find this happens less often... but even the few times it does it gets me pretty wound up. My local supermarket seems to be entirely staffed by creepy men on a Sunday. My 'favourite' comments were from the guy who started telling me he liked my red lipstick... then clocked I have a fair few piercings in my ears and proceeded to ask me if I had any he couldn't see? I was just trying to buy my weekly groceries! Since that incident I don't shop in there without my boyfriend if I can help it. Things like this make me hate being a woman (which I normally quite enjoy!!).
ReplyDeleteOh, ew. It really sucks when it's coming from someone that you're forced to interact with, because then you can't even really chew them out the way you might like to because you have to come back at some point.
DeleteI get this a lot. It suprises me because I'm plus size. Guys will argue that they are just trying to pay a sincere compliment. To these guys I say, YES some of you are, and we don't mind that. But after 20 leering slimeballs have made comments or followed us already that day, just one more 'oh wow, that's a great color (lipstick) " maybe be the tipping point. Good guys who sincerely say 'that outfit is fetching' are far fewer then those who say it as a come on. We're not just being a 'rude bitch' we're being annoyed and badgered into being a 'rude bitch' out of self defense. Its not us, its them.
ReplyDeleteAnd people who discount it as "just a compliment" don't seem to realize that we can tell the difference between someone who is actually giving us a compliment, and someone who is mentally taking our clothes off. The rudeness does become a self defense thing - it's much easier to just shut everyone out than it is to be friendly to people who may or may harass you because of it.
DeleteSo it's not me being paranoid. Interesting. I'm new to city living, having lived in small towns or 'burbs for 40 years. We've been in Chicago six months and while I'm getting more comfortable overall, I don't like to leave my neighborhood alone. Sounds like my instincts are right again. Thanks for posting this.
ReplyDeleteWell said, there is a difference between a compliment and mentally taking clothes off from your opposite. It´s scary when men are loosing their manners due to red lipstick, seamed stockings or a differently dressed gal.
ReplyDelete